RECOVERY.

Well, my weekend was super eventful and definitely one of the best times that I had in a while. On Friday, my friend and I went to a date raffle charity event where contestants bid on a date for our upcoming date to raise money for a local charity. Well, the event was super wild - they had a dance party and girls were dancing and this girl's dress started coming up...but she didn't stop!!!! She kept dancing and I really respect the hustle. The charity event was a blast and super freaking funny in unexpected ways which aren't very family friendly to list here haha. Last night, I went to a school sponsored party and it was sooooo freaking great! This guy grabbed my waist which shocked me because I'm very awkward and not used to having that done to me...and dude should've asked first as well because consent is so freaking important! My friends and I danced and I was getting really into it which is out of character since I don't believe that I can dance and I'm a self conscious person but it felt really great to venture outside of my comfort zone! That's what college is about, I guess haha. They were playing my favorite party jams so I had no choice BUT to get into the groove! As for my mood, I've been feeling pretty well these past few days. Thinking back to the party, I didn't feel anxious at all and I'm super proud of myself for going - it's like exposure therapy in a sense.

9/23/19
1:14 PM - Weekend Fun

On Friday, I went to the book store by myself to check out the newest releases as well as the overpriced vinyls! I had a great time relaxing and updating my site on my laptop. Saturday, I went back to the skate park with my friend, and we saw some new people. We did not see the guy from last week so that was a bummer haha. We left after an hour or so to head downtown. While downtown, we discovered a CD store and I thrifted three vintage Spin magazines featuring Chris Cornell, Nirvana, and Trent Reznor as the lead editorials! I only payed three bucks for them which was a great deal considering that they run for up to thirty dollars on eBay! I received my French pop quiz back today and got an 'A' - woohoo! I'm a bit confused on forming sentences so I have to study that as I have a test on Friday. Today, I raised my hand in my ethics class without anxiety and I'm just so proud of myself - I couldn't imagine doing that in high school. I went to my first therapy appointment, and I can already tell that it's going to be better than my high school treatment. I was given homework to do which consists of goal planning, banishing negative thoughts, grounding, and instilling healthy coping mechanisms. My therapist and I did talk therapy today and I got to see the irrationality of my fears stemming from middle school and how it's been affecting my life for the worst. We discussed my current progress with antidepressants as well as the coping methods that I use - journaling came up and I immediately thought about my journal on Neocities, haha! I also got back in contact with my penpal after sending him a message on Instagram and I'm reeaaally excited to learn more about the UK as my friend and I want to study abroad there! Well, I'm in class and I should be listening to my professor so I gotta blast, bye and Happy Fall!

9/19/19
9:13 PM - Grief Letter

Guess what I received on my first Leardership presentation? I received an 'A-'! I'm so happy considering, and quite ironically, I went over the time limit which I never do, haha! I was scared of presenting in front of my professor but I'm so pumped that I got an A seeing that it was worth it! I'm reaaally pinning for a 4.0 this semester and I think that I'll get there. I turned in my Politics paper, so I'll see how that goes in a few days or so. My Politics teacher just sent me a message via our grading system which she said, "Dear [REDACTED], Keep up the good work!" I don't know if she's actually read my paper considering her message can't be due to my class participation...I don't talk in that class lol. Maybe it was a mass message to everyone - I guess I'll just give myself a break and some credit this time around and congratulate myself. A few weeks ago, I didn't want to go to any of my classes anymore and now, I'm getting high remarks on my assignments and I'm eager to learn. Life is...okay again. Geez, that one Britney Spears song, "Everytime" just popped up in my head and I'm gonna play it to death for the next few hours. Besides that, let's talk about something a bit deeper. A few minutes ago, I wrote a grief letter to my friend. I wrote down everything that I ever wanted to tell him and how I feel about him disappearing. Afterwards, I wrote from his perspective about his explanation and everything I wanted to hear from him and what he thought about me. I pulled the exercise from a grief website focusing on coping after loss and I now highly suggest writing as a way to cope. The next thing I did was rip up the letter as a sign of release and played a song by Lil Peep, an artist that he liked. I didn't think that the letter would do anything, but it made me, and I know that I've said this before, be able to move on. All of the emotions of regret, anger, and sadness rushed out while typing and it felt so freaking amazing to finally spill everything that I ever wanted to say to him. When I wrote in his perspective, it felt as if I was reading an actual letter from him. That alone made everything feel better, as if I finally received closure. That's all I ever wanted, really, and I finally received it with this exercise. I printed out another copy of my letter which I've pledge to read the beginning of every day and at the end of the night as a remember that I'm going to be fine again. I'm okay, I'm going to be alright about it now.

9/18/19
6:15 PM - Test Results

This guy who has a crush on me keeps adding me in his facebook group chats and I don't know how to turn him down. It's really annoying to receive fifty plus messages from people that I don't know, but I don't wanna hurt his feelings. I need to learn how to be more assertive...no no not insertive, assertive! That was a Spongebob quote for you guys not in the loop haha. Well, today I finally finished my paper for my Politics class and I'm so freaking relieved! I've spent quite a bit of hours researching, writing, and editing and I'm reeeally hoping for an 'A'! Also, I got an 'A' on my first French test and I'm so happy! J'adore la langue Francaise! Life is pretty stable at the moment. I haven't been as anxious and I'm thankful for that. I gotta finish revising my essay and studying, so I'm logging off for now! Au revoir!

9/16/19
6:15 PM - Cringe

I logged into my old Livejournal for nostalgia's sake and it's literally one of the worst things that I have read in my life. It's sad in the sense that I can tell that I had zero self confidence, wrote about death, and a longing for love a lot. I tried to not be edgy because I wanted to be ~unique~ but turned out sounding just like the people I tried not to be. Did I mention that I had a crush on Jared Leto and for a reason on why I liked him, I wrote, "He is perfect because he is gorgeous." I'm screaming internally; I definitely sounded like your typical fifteen year old despite my fifteen year old self's dismay. I also misspelled 'Mick Jagger' as Mack Jagger and I'm freaking weak. The name kinda fits though and that's the funny part. I'm also glad that I wasn't allowed to get tattoos as the ones that I jotted down for ideas are plain atrocious. Oh gosh, I'm scrolling through my entries and remembered how I had a crush on this guy SEVEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME and thought that he was the one lmao. Why was I so immature? I see that my boyfriend preference of him being a fan of Nirvana has stuck around, haha. I see that I also wanted to stretch my ears and get an eyebrow piercing - holy shoot, I'm not even remotely interested in those modificiations now! I described this other person as "hot af" and called them my soulmate, wow. I was suuuch a freaking teen, I cannot deal! An old Myspace quiz reveals that I called myself emo and described myself as a "funny, witty, sarcastic, romantic, half full type of gal". WTF??!! I'm probably gonna look back at my Deadjournal and think the same thing...

9/14/19
2:18 PM - Sk8er Boi

I went to the skate park with my friend, and woah, there was this one cute guy who was just !!!! He took his shirt off and we just fangirled because skateeerrr boooyyyy I loooovveee yooouuuu...eugh. I left my board at home and I'm kicking myself for doing so. We're going back next week I think! The park (since it's a playground and also has a skate park adjacent to it) was really cool although it was for small children so we were so out of place there lmao. These two girls went into the skate park portion and started to run up the ramps and had more confidence than my friend and I because one of them was staring at the cute skater boy. The girl was about nine years old I-. It was a really fun evening and afterwards, my friend and I went to our college's grill and grabbed a burger and a wrap to eat! Besides that, I'm on my fifth day of Prozac. So far, I haven't had any horrible side effects...just headaches and the occasional wave of fatigue. I hope that it continues to stay like this; just a few more weeks and I hope to see some improvement. Speaking of improvement, I deleted my Instagram account! At first, the deletion page wasn't working because I could sign back in afterwards, but I guess that the bug was fixed and now it's gone. I used to spend so many hours scrolling mindlessly through Instagram and during the summer, started some unhealthy comparison methods. I held on to that account because I met my friend on there, but I know that it's time to move on. Deleting my Instagram, the way that he contacted me, allowed me to close that chapter in my life and stop waiting for him to log on. I did lose quite a few spam account friends, but I haven't talked to them in months and the people who I still wanna contact, I made note of their usernames. Now that I'm finally moving on, I can open myself to new relationships. I've been pushing people away, but I think that I'm ready to heal and learn to trust again. I'm going to hit this guy up and apologize for pushing him away. He's beautiful in every way and I need to stop being a clown and talk to him again, that is, if he still wants to talk to me. I think that this medication is working holy shoot...I'm about to cry tears of joy!!!!

9/11/19
12:56 PM - Awkwardness

Yesterday, I started my medication. Today, I feel a bit awkward because I got third-wheeled and that was really um...awkward to experience. Other that that, I don't feel a huge difference in my mood yet, but I know that it'll take weeks to feel. I actually feel a bit more physically anxious but I also feel less depressed. It's probably more so or less a placebo effect. I really want these things to start kicking in as soon as possible. I think that Zoloft might be a better choice since it's also used for social anxiety disorder. Prozac is more for depression I think. Off of that topic for now...tonight I'm seeing a prominent politician who's coming to my college! I'm excited to go. My friend and I made plans to eat first and then head to the assembly. Also, I took my first French test and it wasn't bad at all! I hope that I get an 'A' or at least a 'B'. I'm trying to view learning another language not as a school subject, but as another activity on the side. I feel more motivated to study when I view it as another hobby instead of an assigned course to graduate. A bientot! (accents don't work on Neocities, sadly)

9/09/19
3:14 PM - Isolation

Today, I went to class and also to my doctor's appointment. I start my medication tomorrow after school and I'm scared, but also happy to have a chance at feeling like myself again. I have a club meeting today, but I may skip it depending on how I feel later on. It's a volunteering club so I could just volunteer by myself, but I know that a club would push me to regularly volunteer in my area. I've already signed up to volunteer at Human Rights non-profits in my area and many have responded back about opportunities, so I'll probably volunteer at one of those to gain some career experience. It's Suicide Prevention Week so my friend and I picked up a yellow bracelet in support. I also uninstalled Instagram because I could feel myself becoming unproductive which leads me to do my homework on the last possible day. I'm tryna get straight A's but I can't do that if I'm laughing at "I'mma head out" memes!

9/08/19
11:25 PM - Resting

In the library alone in the lower level - feels nice to be my myself. I'm feeling neutral and slightly irritable. Irritability is my worst trait while suffering depression. That, and I also forget to update my site routinely. Most things upset and piss me off but I'm attempting to be aware of this so that I don't act of character due to my mood. Good news is that I went thrifting and racked up. I found this winter coat (which I desperately needed) for $5.99 since it was half off - thanks Goodwill! I saw a similiar one at the other Goodwill that I went to and I'm so glad that I passed on it because it was $9.99 haha. I copped "Pretty Hate Machine" by Nine Inch Nails who my pen pal also loves. Speaking of my pen pal, he's really cool but we haven't talked as much these past few days due to the time difference and...life I guess! We even talked on the phone which was my first time talking to a guy on the phone - yeah, I'm really inexperienced when it comes to guys. It's nice to have someone to share and unpack my day with since I don't wanna burden my friends with my life everyday. I'm just tryna see how this goes.