+ Nervous +
Nothing much to say really except the fact that my moods are freaking me out. Finally said "goodbye" to my family, and now I'm on my own. I really like blogging in my dorm; it's cute and cozy and I love the feeling when I do so. I'm gonna head down to the chapel again and take some relaxation time because today has been such a sensory overload for me and I just need a good break...hopefully, it's open. Oh, and I also started penpaling to distract my mind. I'm not taking it too seriously to avoid attachment haha
9:44 AM - Traveling
So, I'm back on the plane traveling to move to my college (totally not excited). At the airport, I saw this cute guy and we had eye contact and we both looked at each other's way a few times teehee. My plane ride was interesting. My shirt accidently came down (yikes), but I don't think that anyone noticed. At least I hope that they didn't. My fellow passenger gave me a spare blanket because he noticed that I was chilly. In other news, my computer came and I love it! I've been waiting for this baby for a year, and now I can finally stop editing my site via mobile! I also purged my followers list on Instagram after debating about it for a while. I really wanna delete this whole thing because when I was logging in, my heart went sjsakdkwl. Hopefully removing people will help since I feel more inclined to post what I want without feeling weird about it. I'm also trying to avoid a person because oH gOsh was I a cringefest two months ago, oh my. I'm so embarassed that I did that, typed that, acted like that, thought that that was it, that I snapped. I was unstable as heck lmao but we love growth! I have four unread DMs that I don't have the energy to respond to oof. Oh, and I'm planning to make my account into a diary-like account - weekly / monthly postings only for my health! I watched Kurtis Conner's video on E-Boys (Part 2) and I just looooove his channel so much. The whole e-boy trend is just so embarrassing but I lowkey love the laughs that it gives me. Like, imagine hating and leeching off of cultures that you (kylerlovesjesus) ironically copy and mimic for 12 year old girls. Couldn't be me. A ton of these boys are hella racist, sexist, and homophobic but people still support them because they're "cute". It's really sad to see girls in the comment section write things such as "I'm too ugly for you" or "You'd never like me" just to get a tik tokk boy's attention and I hate how these boys grossly thrive off of it.
11:48 AM - Human Rights
Guess who just changed her career direction and now is gonna minor in Human Rights? Yup, that's me! I found AP Gov to be a bit dry, and the class so similar to Political Science. I find that Human Rights better fits my vast interests of philosophy, marginalized groups, ethics, activism, etc. My current school only offers a minor in Human Rights, but I wanna double major in it. Barnard actually has a double major program which is so perfect as a reason to transfer! I feel a spark whenever I talk about human rights unlike with Political Science; I love it!
I signed up for a ton of off-campus volunteer events / internships, and I may even volunteer at Atlanta Pride! Public service just makes me so happy.
3:04 PM - The Future
I'm really lost. I don't want to go to my currrent college. I know that it's a great fit, but I honestly don't know if college is right for me. I wanna be a musician, an activist, an artist - something that's not a regular job, but I know that I need a degree to fall back on. Furthermore, I wanna live in New York City and be closer to home. The south isn't for me at all.
I've decided that I'm going to move to NYC right after college. I really miss the whole tri-state area and I don't like suburban living. It simply isn't for me. I'm going to try to transfer to Barnard since I was waitlisted, but I may be financially stuck since I was given a hefty scholarship at my current college. I'm trying to make the best out of my situation, but I can't force myself to be happy. I'm gonna take a trip to NYC and probably dorm with a friend from Columbia that I know in a few months. I miss the city a lot, and the rat at the museum. Sometimes, I just wanna drift away...traveling the world until I succumb. Definitely not normal, but I can't see myself living a regular "work, bills, kids, retire" life.
10:34 AM - Los Angeles
For once, I'm not writing from the comfort of my house. I'm in Los Angeles at LAX! I flew from Atlanta to Los Angeles by myself and it wasn't as bad as I thought that it would be, considering that it was my first solo trip. I was a bit anxious walking inside of LAX since it was so crowded in there, and I also felt awkward while walking around. I'm outside now though, enjoying the cool weather before I head home. I kinda wouldn't mind moving here, but I love New York City a bit more :)
5:34 pm - Love, feelings
I've noticed how I try to pretend as if nothing happened whenever I get hurt. I push people away (deleting my Instagram) and become super impulsive. I know that this behavior isn't healthy, so here I am, writing my feelings out...
I really liked this guy, and I was super bummed when he was interested in someone else who...didn't give him the time of day. Yikes. I tried to play it off and act cool which made the situation even worse. Basically, I ran away from my feelings and I feel like I messed up. Nothing negative happened between us, but I'm so impulsive, it's cringe worthy looking back at our old messages. I don't know... we're alike in so many ways, it's funny to me. Looking for love in all of the wrong places, in search for external validation. We're still gonna be depressed if we find a boyfriend or girlfriend - nothing is gonna change. We need to work on ourselves first and stop wanting love from others. We need to love ourselves.
But it's so much easier to ignore our flaws and cover up our sadness by turning to other people. It's not a healthy coping skill at all. Self love is so important. We get our hearts broken because we feel as if we don't deserve more. We don't see how much more we're worth. Once we realize that we deserve better, we won't give these types of people any attention. It won't even hurt anymore because we know that we're better than being sloppy seconds.
It's so much easier said than done.
I can't lie and say, "Yeah, I'm over him." I'm not fully, but I am a lot better than a few weeks ago. I still think of him during certain songs. I can't listen to a Lil Peep song without drifting my conscious thoughts to him. But I can't repress my feelings like I'm used to doing - it's not healthy at all.
I'm much more interested in being friends with him because friendship is so beautiful. I've never had many guy friends (I currently have two lol), so it'll be a great experience for me. I don't need a relationship to be happy. I'll find someone one day - boy, girl, robot (just kidding!). I can't rush this stuff - we shouldn't rush this stuff. We're too young to be crying over lost romances; our whole life is ahead of us.
Writing this has made feel better, like a weight finally lifted off my chest
5:00 PM - Music
Brockhampton is so perfect. I found "HOTTIE" by Brockhampton yesterday on Youtube and it's on repeat now haha. I lowkey slept on them, but not anymore. I'm watching an "Iridescence" cassette tape on eBay because this group deserves my coins.
12 AM - Rain
It's 12:00 AM, raining super heavy and thundering and lightning and I have no one to cuddle with. This is very unfair. I forgot how bad thunderstorms are living in California. It's the perfect time to listen to some R&B songs in the dark.
3:35 PM - College
So, my first college payment was just processed and I'm so happy! I'm still a bit nervous to start college because high school was a mixed experience for me, mainly due to my own personal issues. I've been waiting for this moment since kindergarten (a vivid memory recalls) and it's finally here. Now, I'm really in the mood to video call one of my friends and read Wattpad fanfiction to each other. I'm in need of a good laugh to continue my good mood. It's only a few weeks until I get the piercing that I've wanted since the 9th grade, start therapy and medication, and cut my hair. Shoulder length hair, here I come! I'm excited for my future for the first time in a while. Speaking of piercings, I bought a fake nose ring set and I really like the look. I'm not going to pierce my nose though.
JUNE 2019 ENTRIES