EVERY DAY IS EXACTLY THE SAME.

I really have no energy to type because I'm emotionally drained and tired. In a nutshell, I made a Tinder account for a week because I was curious and got 96 matches. I exchanged a few numbers and had my esteem boosted but nothing came out of it -- just a weird feeling of shallowness and unfulfilment. I went to the thrift store on Friday and bought a cute bag, two shirts, and a teddy bear from the 90s. I also went to the skate park with my roommate and a few other friends on Friday, but it was so lame when we got there so we walked the beltline while visiting a few gentrified stores. Today, I went back with my friend and the skate park (and the whole park) was sooo fun! The children on scooters and bicycles were so adorable and just so full of life, and I love that. The skaters at the park were super chill and funny -- they started to roast each other on their skills and my friend and I were cracking up! Before going to the park, my friend and I visited Little Five Points and went in many of the stores. I bought "Nevermind" by Nirvana (for dirt cheap!) and a Mac Miller poster for my roommate because she loves him! I'm going back in a few weeks to buy a Brockhampton poster that I loved as well as a Nirvana poster for my dorm. The posters are of great quality and so freaking affordable. Geez, I'm really loving Atlanta!

10/19/19
2:34 PM - A chilly, rainy day

It's been raining quite hard all day due to a tropical storm. I was supposed to go to Starbucks to lounge and work on my homework, but I decided against it because it's super chilly outside. I'm in my college's library, surfing the web and resting on a couch. There's a window right in front of me so I can see the rain falling down -- it's super peaceful to look at.

Yesterday, a friend and I went to the skate park in Historic Fourth Ward to watch people skate and it was really fun. We're going back in a few days to watch the whole time since we explored the beltline before sitting down on the stairs. The beltline was super cool and it has a huuuuge Kroger that just opened back up, but it really doesn't feel like Atlanta at all. It's super gentrified and it's sad to see so I didn't buy anything from the other stores we visited.

10/17/19
11:07 PM - Change of Plans

Today, I missed my classes because I was sick and feeling super nauseous. I was also super tired from catching up on schoolwork and recovering from last weekend. I'm not sure if I'm sleep deprived or Prozac is making me feel fatigued, but I'm tired all of the time and it's affecting my schoolwork. I have been napping in my dorm after class and doing my homework super late -- around 7 PM due to tiredness and procrastination. Tonight, while in the library, I made a promise to go to bed at 12:30 AM, get off of my electronics (except my cassette player) at 11 PM, and read a book until 12:30 AM to relax my mind. I cannot stay up until 1 or 2 AM -- my grades are suffering. I have A's and B's, but that's not good enough. I know that I can do better and I'm gonna practice self control to take me there.

10/13/19
5:31 PM - Self Care

Yesterday was the craziest and eye-opening night ever. I went to the hospital over severe abdominal pain that wouldn't go away. Turns out, I had an illness that needed to be treated and I'm soooo glad that I went. I knew that something was wrong because my stomach pain was one of the worst pains I've felt in my life, and I knew that it wasn't normal. With that being said, I have to drink more water because I've been drinking tons of soda and juices these past few months. I'm dehydrated and it's causing my immune system to weaken. I have to break up with sweet tea -- sorry baby but it's not you, it's me! I gotta practice self care because I rarely do, always being negligent with my needs and I have to change that. Yesterday was a wakeup call for me to put my health first, mentally and physically. Consequently, I'm gonna be updating my site more as a result of quitting social media. I still have Facebook to stay in touch with family members, and I also use Instagram to contact people who don't have my number. I'm barely on Facebook. I have an embarassing history with Instagram, in particular, due to issues with my self esteem and online friends. I only have three online friends now - a girl I know through a mutual friend, a longtime finsta mutual, and my pen pal - and that's all I need really. The other friends I had during the summer didn't care about me -- a 'follow' or a 'like' didn't make us friends. I'm finally embracing the introvert in me, because I don't understand why I wanted all of that shallow validation from others. They didn't like me, they just liked me for the increased following ratio I gave them. Everything makes sense now -- my loss this summer, meeting someone new -- it's allowed me to find myself, learn the importance of friendship, and most importantly, love myself. I'm finally saying goodbye to the twelve year old girl in me, desperately craving attention and love from others.

10/12/19
3:15 PM - Priorities

Last night, I had a dream where a few family members and I were driving into Los Angeles. For some reason, rotten wooden buildings covered with seaweed surrounded us. I remember saying perhaps there was a hurricane that happened since earthquakes don't produce the type of damage that I saw in the dream. After a few minutes or so, we began to drive on a highway with water below. The water was murky with an oil-like substance mixed in. As we drove further, I began to feel anxious because we soon were surrounded by the rotten buildings with only us on the road. The highway started to blend with the water and that caused us to drive into the ocean. Whoever was driving kept us afloat by pushing on the accelerator. I started to panic, thinking that I was going to drown, but woke up before the dream furthered.

I don't feel as if I have control over my life, similar to the dream. I'm living my life by attempting to please others, and that's been very detrimental to my mental health. I made a new Instagram account, begrudgingly, to talk to my friends since they prefer talking via Instagram and some also wanted me to make a new account again. I did make a new account, but I felt those same negative habits come back again - comparing myself to others, not feeling good enough, FOMO, feeling anxious over the content that I posted, feeling pressured to take selfies, etc. I didn't want to go backwards with my progress so I installed an app blocker and website blocker for Instagram on my computer and my phone so that I cannot access it. I felt bad at first because I thought, "Well, wait? What about my friends? How will I talk to them?". I realized that I've been needing to put myself first and stop trying to please other people. That's what I've been doing most of my life - seeking validation and approval from others. I can't do that anymore; my health needs to come before the preferences of others. I won't be able to talk to my friends every day, but my mom doesn't talk to her best friends daily either. Most adults don't, and I'm starting to see why. Getting older, you don't have time to converse daily, but when you do, it's a great feeling. True friends will always be there regardless of how much daily communication you exchange.

10/10/19
10:36 PM - The Park

It's been a few days since I've written anything because I've been so busy with schoolwork. I had to write my second essay for my politics class and I'm hoping to get a higher score on this paper - my first one received a 'B' which was a let down for me. I'm thinking about majoring in Philosophy, actually. I'm much more engaged in my philosophy class than my polical science one, and suprisingly, I find philosophy way more stimulating. I love learning about ethics and how some questions don't have definite 'yes' or 'no' answers, giving the flexibility that I've always craved. It's funny how I was dead set on political science when I got to college and now? I'm reconsidering my degree choice. Other than that, I went to a new thrift store with my friend this week and it was way better (and cheaper) than Goodwill! For example, I got an adorable tank top for only $0.69 and another for $0.99! We're totally going back in a week or so because not only was the store huge, but the selection was super great! Today, I went to the park with my roommate and a mutual friend and I had a great time on the swings! I listened to Lil Peep and some other music and I felt so alive - genuinely so freaking happy and I'm so grateful for my change in mood. I went to my second therapy session on Monday and it's really helping. I feel alive again, finally after so many years. Well, it's 11:30 PM and I'm tired. Gotta prepare to write another essay tomorrow for my philosophy class. See ya!

10/05/19
6:14 PM - Homework

Well, I was suppose to go to my school's homecoming dance, but I have a paper due on Tuesday that's worth 10% of my grade. I kinda didn't want to go anyway because our parties aren't the best, and it also costs money which I'm trying to save. I'm gonna cozy up in my dorm and watch youtube videos and write two pages of my paper. I dislike writing essays not because they're hard, but because they're tedious to do and frustrating to edit. I blame AP Lang and AP Lit for doing this to me....I used to love to write but it's such a chore now. Anyway, I went to Goodwill on Monday and purchased a super cute 90s prom dress that I was gonna wear tonight but...you know how that went. I bought a few sweaters for fall and I'm soooo excited to wear them - I love fall and winter so much! I think that it snows here, so I'm excited to have a chance to see snow for the first time in years! Oh, and I also bought "Frogstomp" by Silverchair and I was happy to see it at Goodwill for $2! Frogstomp is one of my favorite albums, haha. Well, I'm gonna work on my essay now. Bye!