I saw her today with her other friend and her friend talked to me. She had the nerve to smile and act as if nothing was wrong. She thinks that I'm going to change my mind again and accept her treatment. I refuse to. She's not the person she used to be, if she ever was.
Always trust your gut. My gut was right. Reddit was right. My friends were right. She lied to me. She had a boyfriend this whole time. She played me. She betrayed me. She thought that I would always stay. She never cared about me. She doesn't deserve me. I deserve better. I think that I do. I know that I can. I'm hurt. I'm upset. I'm devastated. I'm torn.
I'm not doing well at the moment. I feel fine when I'm not around them being reminded of the pain that they caused. We texted almost two nights ago and they stated that they cared about me a lot. But you're talking to someone else already? Despite saying that you weren't going to date and focus on yourself? No matter what you say, you dislike being alone because you wouldn't be wanting to be in another relationship if you were still healing. What you did to me was so recent - not even over a month ago. It's hard to change that fast. Writing my feelings out, I'm becoming angry again. However, I feel my anger releasing itself. It's hard to forgive what you did, the actions you performed, how you lied to me to protect yourself. Did you ever love me? You already have another love interest, so it's super hard to pretend as if that's the case. I'm tempted to break off the friendship because I can't move on properly when they're around. When they comfort me, I'm fine for the moment but then feel like a simp afterwards. Words don't mean anything when your actions speak to the contrary. How could you move on that fast if you were truly in love? Why did you lie to me, leading me on, and then tearing out my heart afterwards thinking nothing of it? It's hard to accept and even harder to digest. Nothing makes sense. I'm tired of acting happy. I'm not. I want to leave. I want you to suffer, too. But I know that won't do anything because you don't care. What is wrong with you? Why am I not good enough, but someone else is? You have no problems dating them but I get the short end of the stick. All I've been listening to lately is Deftones and Slipknot. Music isn't helping though. No matter what they say, nothing makes sense. It only makes sense when I follow my heart and let actions speak to their true intentions.
Went to the skate park alone yesterday. Roller skated and fell twice. Saw two cute guys. A guy asked for my number after talking for a few. Gave me a hug and to hit him up to skate. I'm pretty sore today. I'm itching to skate again. Valentine's Day alone was a success, perhaps the best I've ever had.
Going through a tough and painful break up at the moment. Feeling numb. My heart is heavy and empty. I've lost my appetite once again. I can only stomach french fries. I lost an inch off of my waist eating like this and had to buy new flares. I broke it off indefinitely for the best, I know I did. I spent the day alone, but not lonely. I refused to be someone's doormat, used for my empathetic nature, and lied to again. It hurts deeply when you can't trust your friend (or potential partner, whatever) to be there for you. If that's the case, they were never a friend and I was always lonely in their presence. I'd rather be alone by myself in that case. I feel emotionally numb, but thankfully, my other friends have been supportive of me. I'm never letting them go. When will I learn that I can't save others? I'm volunteering as a paralegal on Saturday and I'm not in the mindset to go. Hope that my French homework can dull and distract my emotions. I think I'll go skating on Sunday to release this tension.
JANUARY 2020 ENTRIES