THANKFUL.

Happy New Year! This year has been a rollercoaster, but because of that, it's been the best year in a long time. I began taking antidepressants, started to enjoy life, dress the way that I wanted to, cut my hair, start skating, and accept myself for the woman that I am. I started college and although I didn't make it into Barnard, I'm enjoying college and Atlanta way more than I thought I would. I no longer have crippling anxiety; I'm making phone calls, talking regularly, ordering my own food, not so critical about my appearance, and going out by myself. Instead of bottling my emotions, I journaled and conversed with my friends whenever I felt unwell (with their consent, of course). I discovered Lil Peep, Tyler, The Creator, and Rex Orange County, as well. I quit Stardoll and reduced my time on Instagram; I feel so much better. In regards to Victor, he's made me realize so much about myself, men, and sexuality and I'm forever grateful for his short time in my life. I have a love interest who loves me for me and is soooo sweet and the perfect fit. Oh, and I also got my first kiss too! This year started off rough, but ended perfectly. I'm so much more confident in myself and I'm finally happy. Thank you, Prozac but most importantly, thanks to me for pulling through. I love you.

Happy New Year!

12/19/19
4:03 PST PM - WINTER BREAK

I'm in California for my winter break! It's suprisingly cool here, but I'm not complaining because it's usually nothing close to winter weather in December. I was supposed to go to my school's choir show, but I've decided to simply go out to eat at either two of my favorite restaurants in town. I miss Atlanta; there's nothing to do in this boring suburb. Los Angeles is two hours away, but I can't drive. My friend and I might meet up during dinner to hang out since we've last seen each other during graduation. Christmas cannot come sooner...

12/14/19
5:09 PM - TOO YOUNG

Yesterday, I went to Target with friend (who's not my girlfriend but should be) to spend some time studying for French. We were studying until this cute guy and two girls caught our eyes. Apparently, the cute guy was looking at me while I wasn't paying attention. I looked up and he waved to me and I waved back. His sisters (friends?) kept looking our way until they left to head outside. Since we were sitting in front of the window, we saw them once when they were outside. The guy waved at me again and exchanged some awkward eye contact. I wrote my number on an index card, ran outside, and gave it to one of the girls. They texted me in a group chat, we talked for a few minutes, and I asked them for their ages. Well, turns out that all three of them are fourteen. FOURTEEN! When I told them that I was eighteen, they didn't believe it. I know that I look young, but yikes! They asked for my friend's age and I told them that she was eighteen as well. They didn't believe us until I sent them a picture of flyers with our college's name on them. Of course, I get some cute people's numbers and they're not even in my age range. That sucks, but my friend is eighteen and super cute as well. We're eating dinner together tonight since December break is about to happen. I took my philosophy final and my language final yesterday and today; I'm hoping for straight A's!

12/6/19
1:33 AM - FIRST KISS

So, tonight, my friend and I had some serious uh,,, tension between us. We took our college's shuttle to Starbucks for a date and when we came back, sat in the back of the bus and it was supeeerrrr dark. The bus driver had the radio on the late night R&B station and it was so awkward because I confessed to her that I liked her and she said that she liked me back as well two days before. After coming off of the bus, we went into the library but decided to leave because we were being "too loud and this is a quiet area" (we were not and it was NOT a quiet area, ma'am). We decided to head to the student lounge and sat down, finally private. We kept flirting and teasing each other but were both too shy to make a move. After a whole freaking hour, we finally stopped being freaking headasses and kissed each other. It was...great. Her lips were so soft and wow, we seemed to know just what each other wanted. I broke away first because I was so excited, shocked, and kinda embarassed since it was my first real kiss. We talked about our status and I explained to her that although I was bisexual, I was more romantically attracted to men which would make a relationship hard. She told me that she completely understood and after that, I leaned in to kiss her again and she obliged. We broke away, talked, and kissed until we had a makeout session where we held hands and....that was awkwardly interrupted by two people walking in on us. We made a joke about being caught and as we talked, she put her head on my shoulder. Really wholesome. Afterwards, we left and I suggested that we take the elevator to the highest floor to make out in the elevator as we came down. Well, we did and broke away before landing to avoid being caught. We walked outside together and said goodbye and suprisingly, she leaned in to kiss me goodbye and with that, we went to our separate dorms. Afterwards, I kept thinking about the kiss and I felt...better about myself. I felt more open to being in a relationship with someone. Maybe it's because for once, I finally felt loved and wanted. Being in a relationship doesn't scare or repulse me now. Kissing feels sooo good. Like, really good. I guess that we're dating, but we're not a couple and....I actually don't mind taking it slow for once.

12/3/19
6:55 PM - STARBUCKS

I'm at my local Starbucks listening to Brockhampton, of course. I decided to go out by myself so that I can become more comfortable being by myself in public. I usually take a friend with me when I venture into Atlanta or the city where I reside, but I think that depending on someone else to have "fun" is detrimental. I've always had a problem with being alone, but now, I actually like it. I don't mean in the lonely sense, but meaning that I'm okay with goung out by myself. One perk is that I can listen to my music in peace; that's a great benefit. I also am listening to Tyler, The Creator and wow. I slept on him so badly and I'm so ashamed. "Flower Boy" and "Igor" are masterpieces and I totally agree with the criticial acclaim he's been receiving. Tyler's music will, without a doubt, stand the test of time. Like, wow. He's such a talented artist; I'm in love!

12/2/19
10:46 PM - THANKSGIVING

I had a great Thanksgiving break. I traveled (fully) by myself for the first time without any help at all, and it went really well. My antidepressants are truly working although it's hard to notice if I don't analyze my progress. Looking back at all of the stuff that I've done these past few months -- traveling by myself, going to stores alone, ordering food, volunteering to present on the first day of presentations in class, roller skating in public, getting my homework done early, etc. Wellbutrin is giving me my motivation back. I no longer want to sleep all day and do nothing; I want to work on my homework and go out and be productive!! Join clubs!! Volunteer!! Get a job!! Speaking of jobs, I applied to a few and heard back from some although I'm probably gonna have to decline since they're too far away. Hmmm, I totally forgot to talk about Thanksgiving! Well, I visited my grandma and I miss her a lot. I want her to move to my area because she's getting older and doesn't deserve the stress that she's going through. She's just so sweet and I feel sooo sad when I have to leave. I bought her and my mom a lovely Christmas gift that'll bring us closer together. Christmas...I did my shopping early and I bought myself a lot of presents haha. I bought three pairs of vintage flare jeans, stickers for my laptop, Moxi skates (so that I can be a true sk8r girl now), a North Face fleece (thrifted, of course), and a few other clothing items. My mailbox is going to be so full lol! wWell, I think that's the gist of everything happening in my life so far. I can't update as regularly due to college -- wait, does anyone even read this???