July 2019

I went and saw Toy Story 4 with my grandma. I treated her to a little date and we both really enjoyed the movie. She was laughing the whole time! I really loved it as well; it was funny, cute, and sentimental. Good movies make me feel emotionally connected to the characters, and Toy Story 4 definitely made me feel emotional :)

I just deleted over half of my Facebook friends and it felt so good. I've been evaluating the meaning of friendship these past few weeks, and I realized that friendship is more than the click of a mouse, a like, or a comment.

I finally had time to go to the library, and I rediscovered my love for it. Being surrounded by books makes me feel nostalgic, mainly because I used to frequently visit the library when I was younger. Today, I went into the resale store and bought a bunch of cassettes for dirt cheap, a CD, and a few VHS tapes which I'll update on my 'thrift haul' page. I bought a "Forrest Gump" VHS tape, two TLC cassettes, and an Eve 6 CD for reference! I didn't have any luck with the book store or the magazines, so I'll probably try again when I return to visit the area.

Personally, I feel well actually. Going to the library put me into such a great mood, plus I'm now listening to "Take a Picture" by Filter which is quite poppy. I've been trying to avoid listening to depressing music because it makes me feel worse. Today, I started off my day by playing a motivational song. That definitely helped put my mind into a positive place. I'm being quite ironic and contradicting since I was just listening to Lil Peep whose music I primarily play when I'm in my feelings about something. The instrumental of "Gym Class" is really soothing to me though.

So, I read through my archived journal and wtf. Why did people follow me? I wrote and sounded like a 12 year old. I really thought that I wasn't cringe anymore, but wow. Some of the entries are from two months ago and that makes it ten times worse. Well, at least I have something to look back on. I'm thinking of archiving it on the wayback machine, but the embarrassment is stopping me.

I'm going to the library in a few days, so I'll finally see my site on an actual monitor and make certain changes. I've been coding on my phone since I've needed a new computer for the past year. The library also has a free cassette collection, so I'll try to cop a few tapes for my player. It's so funny how I can use the adult side of the library now. I used to dream of going to that realm, and now, it feels weird. When I used to visit the library in middle school (middle school was eventful for me), I remember sneaking into the adult section to try to find Nirvana books. The beige CD section was eye candy; I wanted to rent out so many tunes, but couldn't due to my age.

It's raining again. I love rain. I now have an excuse to put on "Only Happy When It Rains" by Garbage. You know what I really want? I want someone to cuddle with and watch funny youtube poops with while the rain morphs into cozy background music. Something about the rain makes me feel romantic. I really sound like a teenager sometimes. My internet keeps pooping out, possibly due to the rain. I'm in rain central, and yet this still happens. Guess that it's time to listen to my 'rainy days' playlist and browse Tik Tok to feel a bit happier.

Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you love
- silverchair

So, I was listening to "Pony" by Ginuwine and forgot that my headphones weren't connected and the song started playing in front of my grandma lmao oops.

Sometimes, I forget that people actually read my journal and need to be reminded not to impulsively write about everything in my life. If you find anything deleted, it's probably because I realized that some of my friends plus net users may read these and be like, "We have decided to unstan."

Well, I've decided to cut my hair since I'm getting quite bored with it. I've always had it bra strap length, but I'm thinking about cutting it to my chin or shoulder length. I bought a ton of butterfly clips to use when I do. I'm gonna cut it next month before college starts.

Spent the whole day listening to "Mer De Noms" by A Perfect Circle thinking about someone. Been off of Instagram for a week. I've had less thoughts concerning my facial appearance. Browsing "Instagram Reality" via Reddit, I see how it's so easy to warp reality, literally. Thanks to Facetune and filters, anyone can make themselves over. It was hard to see all of those "perfect" faces. It was hard to see them all over my timeline, making me feel worse than I already did about myself. I love seeing human faces in public, seeing pores and acne and body hair and shapes and heights of all sizes. The diversity of the human body is beautiful, and I will not let social media ruin that perception.

I just logged into my old LiveJournal and it's so bad. I am cringing so hard right now. I wrote prententious love poetry about this guy and depressing paragraphs about my anguish. I am so glad that I set the journal to private because sweety, no. I also surfed DeadJournal, but you gotta pay for it. Lame! (UPDATE: I paid for it lmao). I just found an old poem that I wrote and I was so gross yikes.

Accidently downloaded "Black Black Heart" by David Usher ft. Marie Mai in another language and I was like, "Is this in French?" Turns out that it was. The song is 10x more beautiful in French. The English version cannot compare. Speaking of songs,

Edited the heck out of my site today. Downloaded "The Downward Spiral" and "Pretty Hate Machine" by Nine Inch Nails. Need to buy cassette versions asap. Had a good day today discovering new music.

Saw a really cute guy on the atlanta airport train. He was wearing an "Astroworld" hoodie. He had a nose piercing as well.

Finally deleted Instagram and I've never felt better. Feeling like that P.O.D. song "Alive" lmao. We love nu metal. Well, imma miss my friends since I'm more used to texting on instagram, but I need space. I need to get my mental health together. I'm ready to speak my mind again. I'm ready to feel better. I'm ready to kick my anxiety and defeat depressive thoughts and comparing myself to people on Instagram. I'm so ready to be me again.

Today, I made three impulse buys: a nirvana poster for my dorm, a sony walkman cassette player from 1999, and wide leg jeans. I am currently bidding on a bundle that includes grunge/ alt rock cassettes. I'm currently winning, but it has a few days left so I'm crossing my fingers.

Well, my first *new* entry. I decided to archive the old ones since they were cringey, but I may put them back up again under an archive related page full of old drafts and deleted pages of my website.

Experienced an earthquake today while eating. It was a 7.1, but it felt weaker since it was rolling and wasnt jerky. I pray every night to spare california from earthquakes but if one does happen, to keep everyone alive. Guess my prayers worked. Have been feeling a bit under the weather lately. Constantly going from happy to sad to irrirated. Just so tired.