May 6th, 2019
If a guy sings "Say Yes" by Elliott Smith to me, idc how horrible, im marrying him on the spot.
completed my AP Gov test. Feeling confident about it. should i study french or german with a political science degree. hmmm. At the college that I am going to, I get to study abroad for no additional cost. im so excited....i get my passport this summer. take that, barnard college oF COLUMBIA UNIVERSiTY!!!! (still love you though pls accept from the waitlist) The waiting list sucks, but studying abroad does not!
* Update*~: this guy sent me a < 3 in addition to his message and i had the N E R V E to dismiss it SJSJSJSJS. My self esteem is really tragic sometimes. i thought that it was an eboy trick or something im-. i feel like an imposter. this guy is literally so perfect, and not just looks-wise. we share the same political views which is a trait that i cherish in guys along with his taste in music and general aesthetic. he's talking in to me! me!!!! i know that my self image is distorted, but it dont feel like i deserve this??? theres plenty of other girls out there, yet here i am. i am here. he is there. me and him talk. i know that it may be friendly and doesnt mean anything, but it's cute idk to receive a heart from a guy teehee. im so stupid ughhh
"Cant Get You Out of My Head" by Kylie Minogue. Enough said.
i really hope that i didnt ruin a good thing. yeah, i like you but it just wont work out because im not in the mindside to have a relationship. so im trying to stop. be realistic. perspective, thanks professor tox. it's not you, it's me. why does my heart rate increase despite being over you. what. i really miss talking to you but i dont wanna relapse on my social media detox so i cant wait until the 28th comes. youre honestly so cool. why are you even talking to me? how did i get so lucky (wedding vow tingz lmao) hghhhh. our relation ship like that cake song, "never there" in certain ways lmao. not the "never there" part, but the "tAke the time to get to KnOW meEe" line. ughh i dislike this feeling sm. on the plus side, im using duolingo to become proficient in two languages. i hope that it works. gonna apply for some modeling agencies. really wanna live in nyc but im limited due to financial options. cant decide if music or college is right for me. dont wanna work a 9 to 5 job. as billy joel said, "im movin out". listening to more alternative music again like "Heart Shaped Box" by Nirvana, "Bodies" by Drowning Pool, and "Hurt" by Rapture.discovered the song "send the pain below" by chevelle, "beautiful", and "wasteland" by 10 years. loving "the distance" by cake! Watched a Kurtis Conner video. Someone in the comment section compared eboys to the scene guys of 2007 and i was *mindblown*. Granted, i like the middle part better than the swoop cut. i was on youtube watching eboy compilation videos and... I- the cringe was so bad omg. like, dang i thought Song of the Day: "Miserable" by Lit
im feeling better now...like, way better. my head is clear and im actually excited!!!! i scheduled an appointment for a piercing that ive been wanting, am going to start medication for my anxiety, and received my prom invite today. my friends have been a huge support system, and i love them so much. im looking into transfer options since i dont want to stay at my current college for 4 years. im gonna apply to Barnard, Columbia (lmao), Mt Holyoke, Bryn Mawr, USC skskks NYU, and a few others that i missed last year. im also planning on starting a body positivity blog and will be accepting submissions!! just need a new computer song of the day: "Sending my Love" by Zhane
song of the day: "Angeles" by Elliott Smith
yet he's not mine I will never be the one that he sees when he envisions beauty because I cannot be molded into a subgenre that i dont belong to isnt it sad how in my earlier years i would attempt to erase the markings that make me the woman that i am to please a man who isnt worth loving if i cant be myself he texts me a heart thinking that ill submit to his will but not today texted hearts cannot remedy the dryness of communication i cannot mold myself into a subgenre that i dont belong to i am worth more than my features more than my exterior more than the biological desires of a man and most importantly more than the will of a boy
Songs of the Day: "Love Scars 3" by Trippie Redd and "Bad Day" by Fuel 1.) It's not them 2.) They simply don't understand? Well, that is me right now. Feeling empty. Anxious. Sad. Like everyone is conspiring against me and believes that I'm going to fail. Well, guess what? I'm starting to believe it, too.
Song of the Day: "Outside" by Staind.
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Got some new film btw...might upload later :D
And I need new film ASAP D:
I'm stuck in a hole with no solution whatsoever.
May 5th, 2019
May 4th, 2019 still do that was attractive?? i like the style of dressing and aesthetic but not the whole "im not like other guys uwu i listen to steve lacy and nirvana" type beat. idk...theyre like a weird mix of 90s grunge, 00s emo, and mall goth which makes me so conflicted. who started this trend? why is so big now? i wanna sensitive, soft boi (IM- why did i say this sksks) who dresses like an eboy but i dont want the culture?? if that makes sense??
May 3rd, 2019
April 30th, 2019
why did i do that....i was browsing twitter and came across some people that triggered my harsh perception of myself. literally feeling ugly because they are all so perfect and im not. my hair is unkempt. my eyebrows are unflattering to my face. i know that i should be grateful, but it's so hard to do so. im feeling sad at the moment. kept switching from happy to irritated at school. tried to fake my way into smiling, but it comes off as forced. ive been off instagram, but im still feeling empty. i miss talking to two people- my friend who lives in another state and a guy that i met. i hate to leave them, but i have to for my health. in good news, im moving to atlanta for college. i was invited to senior scholarship night, but im fearful of going. im setting an appointment with a pyschiatrist, and guess what? im thinking of studying abroad (maybe just even domestically idk) next time this year. maybe to africa, the UK, or something like that. cultural shock. i just wanna be myself again.
April 29th, 2019
He's a man
Song of the Day: "She" by Green Day
April 24th, 2019:
* Wow, my journal entries were reeeaalllyy cringe worthy sometimes. Geez, lmao. I have grown a lot in a year. I got accepted into the overnight program at Barnard and loved it. I got more into polaroid photography, skating, and I am almost finished with high school. Prom is comimg up, and the last day of school is in a month or so. I am taking my last AP test and am moving across the country for college. I received an A+ in Math (stats)... my worst subject for 3 quarters in a row, was accepted into some great colleges. I started to dress the way that I like more. Despite all of this, I still feel empty. I am quite anxious, self conscious, and sad a lot. I joke around so that nobody suspects anything. I have begun to experience more anxiety than ever, so much that I sometimes do not eat as a way to avoid the crowded lunch lines. I hate going outside if I am not looking my best, no matter how or who compliments me. I feel as if I am always second best....as Local H said it, "Born to be down". I am never going to find a boyfriend (prom alone, lolz) or even feel normal again. Here I am, journaling my feelings instead of keeping it in since middle school
July 27th, 2018:
*You ever feel empty? Anxious? Sad? Like your life is going to waste and nobody seems to care because:
June 19th, 2018:
* Hey, everyone! I can't update much as my computer isn't working, but I am doing well! School got out a few weeks ago, so it's time for me to study to get that thicc ACT score, do my summer homework, and complete my essays. My reach schools are Barnard College and UCLA because why not? Ugh, just thinking about it makes me nervous, but maybe I shouldn't be? Holistic review, right?
Trump is also holding illegal immigrant children in cages! CAGES!!1!1!! GOOD GRIEF, HE MUST BE STOPPED. Please, protest....sign a petition.. anything to help out these children. Thank you.
May 20th, 2018:
*~*~Wassup? I've been gone for a few weeks due to laziness lmao. So, I'm entering another "grunge" phase and I'm listening to alternative music from the 90s. I'm getting more into silverchair and found some good songs from them! ^-^ Geez, Daniel Johns in the 90s was a dreamBOAt! Ignore that, hehe. To check out my website that delves deeper into rok rock music and such, head on over 
Bye!
Song of the day: "Shade" by Silverchair
May 8th, 2018:
*~*~Hey booiiisss....just a quick update for today. I made a sub site dedicated towards my musical aspirations, particularly with a focus on women in music. The link is in my bio home page under 'sub blog' or something similar to that. Please, don't forget to leave a 'like' and subscribe check it out as it means a lot to me. Also, music reviews, opinions, etc. are welcome to be submitted by anyone, so leave a guestbook comment if interested! The link is for anyone who's interested. Bye!
Song of the day: "I Can't Stop Loving You" by KEM
May 7th, 2018:
*~*~Hello, long time...no chat type. I took my AP Pysch exam today and I'm hoping to get a 4 or a 5. Pray for me lmao. I've started working on college admissions stuff as I am applying to a fly-in program and really want to get it. It's highly selective, so the odds, sadly, are against me. I've decided to create another blog focusing on music entitled, 'BOR!', short for 'Black Girls Who Rock!' I looovee all types of music, but alternative music seems to be my true calling and there's barely any female and/or minority representation. It's simply a positive space for those involved. The link will be coming soon. It's time to study for APUSH now, so bye! :D
Song of the day: N/A
March 31st, 2018:
*~*~ Yeah, boiiiiii-it's Spring Break! So far, I haven't done anything spectacular, but I'm going on a trip next week (I think). I've been procrastinating on my homework bc it's a test on five units and I don't wanna waste my break doing such tedious work. Plus, there's another test on the Tuesday that we get back on and !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Btw, I'm going to revamp this page as it's not to my liking.... I'm looking at old Angelfire pages for layout ideas lmao.
April 11th, 2018:
*~*~On the bus today, I was listening to "Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World and just started thinking about the world that we live in. War, poverty, hatred ((sad)): ya know, the old cliches. Yet, we rarely seem to talk about the other issues when mentioning the problems of the world such as mental health, loneliness, isolation, a lack of altruism, etc. This world is a lonely place sometimes, and more than not, we are only in it for ourselves despite not being able to survive w/o others. It's kinda ironic in a way. There will never be world peace, because how can you establish what peace is w/o suffering? And ( I started with 'and' :| ) actually appreciate it?? Is world peace even possible, and what does it truly scope/mean??? I think that I'm being too prententious analytical into this.. Well, that's it for now.
Song of the day:"Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World
March 31st, 2018:
*~*~ Yeah, boiiiiii-it's Spring Break! So far, I haven't done anything spectacular, but I'm going on a trip next week (I think). I've been procrastinating on my homework bc it's a test on five units and I don't wanna waste my break doing such tedious work. Plus, there's another test on the Tuesday that we get back on and !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Btw, I'm going to revamp this page as it's not to my liking.... I'm looking at old Angelfire pages for layout ideas lmao.
Song of the day: "On My Mind" by Jorja Smith
March 20th, 2018:
*~*~In math class, a group of guys were making ebola jokes and I just ??? Like...why. They were never even cool in the first place lmao, but they're darn well not cool 3 years from then! They have the audacity to label me as uncool when they obsess over things that aren'teven cool like dead memes(although there's nothing wrong with using such, but dude.... I'm being hypocritical And you're about to be 18? My gosh.... On another note, Spring Break is coming out and I'm puuummmmppedd!:D I'm probably gonna surf the web (ew why did I say that) and play with Alexa. I don't trust her, ya know....
Song of the day: N/A (For once)
March 13th, 2018:
*~*~ Participated in the Student Walk-Out today in support of gun control. Felt so empowering and such. Around 100 people participated at my school, yet I believe that many just wanted to skip class which is distasteful to the movement. Either way, it was nice to show some support in honor of a good cause. I've been feeling so out of it lately. I want help, but no one has been listening. "Everyone has that"... is the old cliche, but it doesn't impair your LIFE. You don't experience the anxiety that I feel each day in simple situations. You don't hide out in rooms due to your fear of people...fear of embarassment and failure. You just don't GET IT!
#marchforourlives
Song of the day: "Down With the Sickness" by Disturbed
Song of the day: "Flying Without Wings" by Westlife